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Princess StarFly

Theres a whooole lotta scars in there and I will expound on them later, theres a lot to say and I will try and ... I was gonna say Id try and be brief but yknow what? Thats just not me. I am not brief. So I will expound loquaciously, one of the first vocabulary words I ever learned, at the age of Id guess five... My dad, an english teacher, had made a tape, a reel to reel audio tape and the one and only sentence I remember is Loquacious ... The loquacious girl never stops talking I will never forget it! Why do certain things just take up residence in our brains, Id like to know that. Why that one and not another one?

I went to a relationship seminar once to learn how to get along with men and what I learned was the value of women. Men can get overwhelmed with the deluge of emotion and just not know what to do with it whereas women (some women) thrive on it. Or at least listen. Tell all your stuff to your girlfriends and dont even try and go there with your man, thats what I say. Not that I actually listen to myself. But it is what I say. I often find myself trying to drag him, kicking and screaming, there. And yknow what? The ones who go quietly and dont cause a fuss, once yget em there, you want em to leave!

Aah, the mysteries of life!

And men, dont get me started! Men are a pain in the fuckin ass. Beautiful and terribly dangerous, like dont touch that flame, honey! or dont look at the light, aaagggh!!

Well, Im talking enough, I may as well tell you my scars, or at least one or two:

How can I say this? I have had certain experiences in my life which have added to my distrust of men and my pain from them and my being a bit ... What is it ... A sexual mystery. I am very expressive yet I could take it or leave it ... If my boyfriend never had sex with me for the rest of his life, Id be just as happy ... Or at least a small but very loud piece of me would be. At the same time I would be hurt and insulted so you go figure! When Im in a sexual situation Im very free ... And yet I have these beliefs deep down inside that are pretty confused ... About sex being about a man taking from a woman ... About sex being painful and hurtful ...

The men-scars come from these places ...

:: As a baby, I was abruptly ripped open down there by the doctor because it was closed up, he said to my mother this is gonna hurt her but it has to be done and I attribute that to my sensitivity there, it used to be that the slightest touch would jolt me.

Later in life, I really bonded with a boyfriend who was ever so careful with me and would stop at the slightest indication of pain, which totally bonded me to him. Even later in life, I had a boyfriend who was not like this and I learned how to take care of myself ... How to comfort myself and relax myself and take care of me. Rather than hoping someone who loved me would. Of course I still adore it when someone who loves me takes care of me.

:: As a child, I was always chased around by boys who wanted to pull down my underwear and do I dont know what but I remember being scared shitless and trying desperately to get away and into my house through the window-well window. Same boys introduced me to Playboy when they wanted me to come see the pictures they had stuck up on their birdhouse, why on their birdhouse I will never know! But I have despised Playboy ever since. Now Im a hair more accepting that its just a fact of life that it exists but its been a sore point in past relationships, my not accepting that and thinking that a person who loved me should not want to look at other women. To a less extreme degree these days but still somewhat of a challenge.

:: As a teen, I was cheated on by my first love and the one and only person I trusted ... He slept with this totally trashy girl, when we had not even slept together and we had been together for three years, both of us had never had sex before from what I understand, who really knows, right? He was the sweetest person youll ever want to meet. That made me distrust my own judgment.

I have slowly learned about people all being imperfect and human and making all sorts of mistakes left and right! And hurting one another and all kinds of things. I try always to remember the mistakes I make so as not to be so hard on others. Ive always really held people to a high standard.

:: As a young adult, I had what I call a date rape situation where the person had said something earlier in the night about us having sex and I had told him in as non-assholeish a way as I could that was not something I was going to be doing (and secretly I was a virgin anyway) and then when he was forcing himself in he was saying to me dont worry, I wont hurt you and I was saying but you ARE hurting me, youre hurting me right now while trying as hard as I could to push him offa me and it just didnt even matter. I thought I was lucky that he called the next day and said he was sorry and that I didnt deserve that. Not that lucky but I always had felt that was something, that he at least acknowledged it.

When somebody says I wont hurt you Im like yeah, riiiight, tell me another one! and I really consider men to be dogs! Nice, huh? Im trying all the time to be accepting of human nature and to understand it better. I dont 100% understand but Im better than I used to be.

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And right about now Im wondering whether or not I actually want to send this out there. I feel as if I sound pretty bitter and I dont really think bitter is what I am. I dont know exactly what I am. I worry about appearing to be poor me and Im about to say thats not what I am either but am I? Maybe a little! I always crave comfort and understanding and the person who can give that to me is a god in my eyes. Im torn between yearning for that and eating it up when I find it in a man and knowing I need to take care of my self. I can do both, I swing back and forth between both or maybe Im a mix of both at the same time. Or moment to moment.

So we have only tapped the surface but Im going to end here.

Love to you, hugs and kisses and stars and moons and suns and all that is beautiful in the sky, thats what I want to say.

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